Hulu Watching Experience: Species III

There are obviously a lot of awesome franchises in history. None of those revolve around a third installment that goes directly to video. However, the Species franchise is a perplexing series of films that start from mediocre to bad to worse, as is the case with Species III. Species III is in itself almost symbolic of the franchise in its three acts.

Act One is an installment with a decent bit of gore and a lot of random sci-fi mumbo jumbo that's ultimately insignificant, but there's nothing especially bad in these scenes. Plus, there's nudity.

Act Two is stiflingly boring, with a ridiculous amount of half-breed suited strangeness and ridiculous amounts of gore for the sake of itself.

Act Three is hilarious and then crappy and then a hilariously stupid cop-out makes it hilariously crappy.

Might as well earn my nonexistent keep and explain further. Species III opens with a lovely sequence involving the military and Natasha Henstridge's (apparent) dead body. Henstridge is still portraying Eve from Species II, and that creature comes back to life, has a weird baby and then some fat kid is involved. This all would've been so awesome if an arty guy took hold of this and just added more random abstract screwed up things, but instead, we're left to our own devices as far as good filmmaking goes. Anyways, a scientist takes the baby home, and that baby quickly grows up to be a girl and then through some more weird circumstances, a naked woman appears. A couple of deaths happen, but only because, as we all know, men are pigs.

That particular message is one thing the Species franchise has attempted to do from the beginning in that they establish that man's desire for sex is so so irrational that nearly all of them would violate such a right when graced by the beauty of some odd half breed alien who looks like your average GAP model. In a way, it's objectifying to both males and females. The females' only purpose in this film is to have sex and create life, and even when Sunny Mabrey's blonde Sara learns about chess apparently from just touching a book, this information is irrelevant to her. Her whole "purpose" is sex. But she also has the excuse of being a half-breed, where apparently, reproduction is the only thing that matters. The males in this movie not only don't have that excuse, but barring three characters, the male race is treated as if sex is their only goal. Rape is pretty much an action on everyone's mind. Even the half breed attempts to rape her in a sequence where both I and the goofy Dean (played by Robin Dunne) both yelled that he was trying to rape her.

This isn't even bringing up the fact that the blonde Sara is viewed as perfection whereas the suddenly introduced brunette Amelia is the film's villain for whatever reason. That might be a bit of a poor comment on America's love for blondes.

And now I realize I'm overthinking one of the more dumb but entertaining movies I've seen in a while. Though, it's just dumb. You can't describe it any other way.

Rating: REALLY BAD

Next time, I'll cleanse the palette of horrible direct to video movies and review one of the most beloved sequels of all time...ROCKY III!

The Fork Looks Different.

For indie music geeks everywhere, Pitchfork.com has become the main source for opinions and being introduced to obscure names that are suddenly thrusted into the spotlight by how good they are, at least according to the site's writers. The ratings are debated all the time, acts like Arcade Fire, Spoon, Battles, and Vampire Weekend have all benefited from the site christening them with the tag of "Best New Music." And this week, the site finally overhauled its traditional interface for a more modern, crisp look. And it looks amazing, though, all of the kinks aren't sorted out by any means. There's a great deal of problems with links and the sort, but overall, Pitchfork continues to be a great resource for music lovers, especially the Forkcast feature with a ton of free songs. Check. It. Out.

(My Note: The Hulu Watching Experience will continue at some point. Maybe. Not right now, though.)

(Something About) Watching The Watchmen.

Around 25 hours ago as I write this, I went to go see Watchmen in the theaters. And while I had a big long spiel about the idea of this world being parallel to our own, similarities to the age of terror, the cute jokes about Nixon's fifth term and Ronny Reagan being taken not seriously as a presidential candidate and such, but it would be rather fruitless.

I will say this, though. You have to really be into the material from the start to truly enjoy it at its finest level. This doesn't mean that you have to read the novels or anything to get it, but if you think this will be a typical action movie, then you're going to be shaken. This isn't even anything like director Zack Snyder's last comic adaptation 300, whose entire purpose was to be a generic action movie with fun video game-like Spartan violence. This, however, hits more than a basic good vs. evil dynamic and does it in pretty stunning fashion. Everyone here is given something that they are truly responsible for as far as a bad decision or a decision that puts their human value to the test. And yet, everyone is given a steady reason to do what they do (barring Ozymandius, but his storyline's chopping probably helped destroy the more nuanced elements of his character).

I will cut it here because I'm certain this would quickly dip into spoiler territory, but overall, barring a few decisions that could've been more chaste and my personal feeling that length does hurt a movie from time to time, this was a fine fine film. This is all I will dip into about watching the Watchmen at this time.

Hulu Watching Experience: St. Elmo's Fire

In around 1985, a cultural moment happened in modern American history. As Reagan ruled his second term and the youth of America was busy brooding and taking copious amounts of drugs, something represented those young men and women's idealism. That was the top 40 hit "St. Elmo's Fire (Man in Motion)" by John Parr, in which Parr quips that he's gonna be your man in motion and all he need is a pair of wheels. He tells them to take him where his future's lyin', St. Elmo's Fire. And apparently, a film was made out of this popular song, in which almost none of these upbeat traits were really brought up.

Instead, the 1985 film St. Elmo's Fire is a melodrama of the highest degree, pounding depression upon depression, never letting anyone figure out why this gang was so united in the first place and thus why we should care that their rash decisions are destroying each other's lives. Also, Demi Moore seems like a crappy person, so why is everyone suddenly concerned to help her? I guess there is a bit of truth to the one person who is friends with everyone but is grating, but then, well...they help her too much.

That said, one positive is that Ally Sheedy is gorgeous. I mean, for about five years between 1983 (with WarGames) and 1988 (with Short Circuit 2), she had to be the most demurely attractive woman on the big screen. And at 46, she hasn't aged terribly. But nonetheless, one positive is that Ally's just in it. Just that she's in it in general is awesome.

But there's too much unexplained. Judd Nelson works for a Republican despite being the Pres of the College Democrats Association, which is poorly explained, really. Emilio Estevez borders on pure obsession with his ninth-grade fantasy girl, to the point of throwing a party with entirely the purpose of her coming, and throwing it in the house that the man who gave him money (since the girl wanted a financially secure man) to keep it safe. Ally's uncertain, and nearly married to Judd. Andy McCartney is brooding and writerly, and not anything like say...me for instance. Not at all, in fact... Demi Moore's crazy, sounds about 40, and is by all means, sleeping with most everybody. And I forgot the others.

St. Elmo's in a modern context is probably poor, but films usually attempt to place a specific feeling of a time and a place. However, we merely get the idea that some of the guys from The Breakfast Club came together to make a movie that also tries to speak to a set of people, but really only spoke about how friendships are fleeting when people really fall in love, and I guess that love is a dangerous thing that fails. Oh, and that we make really big deals out of things that are nothing, as Rob Lowe must tell Demi and the audience in the last five minutes.

Sorry guy, not interesting enough.

Rating: MEDIOCRE

The next entry will be on a fine cinematic experience known as SPEED 2: CRUISE CONTROL. This will be very very interesting, followers.

Hulu Watching Experience: American Psycho 2

(This review contains a good bit of spoilers...but the title is kind of a spoiler anyway and let's be honest, I doubt you're going to watch this crap.)

I have never tried to make a film before nor have I ever been to Hollywood, but I'd imagine it's hard to get funding for a major feature film. You have to convince people that their idea is so worthwhile that they can throw away millions upon millions of dollars just to see whatever you wrote be put on celluloid. In fact, most of the films people bemoan as crappy Hollywood studio flicks are made to appeal to all demographics, so thus, they're naturally pretty impersonal.

I bring this up because American Psycho 2: All-American Girl was originally known as The Girl Who Wouldn't Die, and had nothing to do with the 2000 satire at all. Mind you, even as a "sequel" in its final form, it still has nothing to do with the original, and seems almost angry that you would ever compare such a film to it. And much like the great schoolwide tradition of Opposite Day, this "sequel" accomplishes the exact opposite of its original.

AP2 opens with a woman, a 12-year-old girl, and a man, introduced as Psycho's Patrick Bateman. After calling him creepy and such, the little girl kills Bateman easily. So basically, the awesome villain of the first film is buried in the first five minutes because a psycho broad just stabs him. This is only the beginning...

This 12-year-old girl grows up to be Mila Kunis, who all of six years later is a girl in college that is whip smart and as hot as Mila Kunis should be. She also says "That's what your mama said" to people. I guess this is what smart people do. Four minutes in, another man named WILLIAM SHATNER shows up. The Shat provides some wonderful merryment and has a creepy romance with one of his students, because obviously, professors sleep with their students, y'see. Kunis then says that she wants to be his teacher's assistant, because somehow, all of Shat's teacher's assistants make it to FBI training. We are introduced to the three hapless teens that aren't Mila Kunis including the weird awkward rich guy, the weird hot blonde, and the weird black guy with dreads. They all die, don't worry. But not before a whiny assistant dies (after making a Ricky Martin and Ricky Ricardo joke about a cat), and before a whacky date between Mila and awkward rich guy, who clearly notes "You have to eat. I have to eat. Let's eat together." I'm using that one next time. This leads to him being so concerned about the T.A. job that encycles the whole movie that he's willing to pay Mila SEVEN FIGURES to drop it. This job is clearly serious. So Mila takes him back to his room, and kills him and such.

These first 30 minutes begin a curious question of what this film's intent truly was. The violence is too implied for an R-rated horror flick. The script is too poorly written to be perceived as intentionally funny, and the acting is too straight-faced to be considered campy. The film is also not a satire in any sort of way, unless its attempts to mock the collegiate system of thinking, and obsessing over insignificant jobs is perceived to be clever. Which while, those elements are involved, they take a backseat to building up Jackie from That 70s Show as a killer mastermind. The music selections are poor, even when such acts as Rilo Kiley and Imogen Heap are among the soundtrack's offerings. They don't really fit the tone in any sort of way...that is, unless we were not supposed to gauge a tone from this movie.

Which, I guess is as good as anything. I'm too lazy to really write up everything that happens, but we essentially build up to Ms. Kunis being ONE IN A BILLION. Her cleverness is so much so that she kills 10 people, and only three of them have a missing persons report out for them, and the cops only come into play over an hour into the feature. Which again, is probably satire, which again, the film fails miserably at doing correctly. By the end of the feature, Kunis is revealed to be so clever that NO ONE BUT ONE PERSON notices that she has changed her identity twice, and that the second identity has taken her to a top FBI position. At least one of the guys is killed in the wide open in a library. Another of the dead bodies is seen by a janitor and a security guard, both later killed, and both never found out about again. By this film's conclusion, I had cackled at the logic mistakes, the poor writing, and the completely horrid attempts at actual humor.

What American Psycho succeeded in making an iconic character who in turn was a great satirizing of yuppie culture and the idea of certain "stereotypes" being safer than others, AP2 all but destroys at the seams. It does not help that Mila Kunis is not Christian Bale, and that American Psycho 2 is not American Psycho.

Rating: REALLY BAD (out of a scale of REALLY BAD, SLIGHTLY BAD, MEDIOCRE, PRETTY GOOD, and AWESOME)

(Writer's Note: Tomorrow might have a selection, and if it does, it'll be ST. ELMO'S FIRE. This will be better than American Psycho 2, I promise, but will it be as fun to write? Find out tomorrow/soon.)

The Hulu Watching Experience, Or Movie Sequels I Watch on Hulu and Will Review

If you are much like me these days, you are probably broke, out of money, and yet feel a need to watch a movie. Now, well, you're broke, so you're not going to suddenly rent a movie...but you don't prefer breaking the law. This means Hulu.com is the only option. And this left me with a wonderful idea. Over the next couple of weeks, I shall review any movie that I've haven't seen before. I will also add the caveat that they HAVE to be sequels. So any of these movies might be on the list to come:

American Psycho 2
Speed 2: Cruise Control
The Karate Kid III
Beethoven's 2nd
FX II
Revenge of the Pink Panther
St. Elmo's Fire (which isn't a sequel, but it has an awesome title song and is basically the sequel to Breakfast Club)
Amityville II: The Possession


Still, this will be exciting, rant-filled, and enjoyable for everyone. I will have something on American Psycho 2 tonight. I suspect this will not be boring.

This is GOOP.

This week, for some reason, (relatively) popular actress Gwyneth Paltrow launched a website. And it is called Goop.com. Why Goop? ...I don't know. And neither does anyone else. It appears to be a store-based site, which would be awesome if the store wasn't already broken. So we're left with a perplexing page with the simple message: "nourish the inner aspect." Okay, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? I like it when websites don't dumb down material for their audience, but this is the latest stroke of pretentiousness by that woman married to that singer of that second-rate British rock group that sold millions last year.

Or, it could be the funniest site ever. I'm not quite sure.