John Madden retires.

Breaking story for the two of you who don't look at Yahoo every day. The guy responsible for the Madden in that football game you play every year is calling it quits! John freakin' Madden leaves the booth after three decades of service and he has been an entertaining man at the very least and the most distinctive voice of football at the most. In tribute, here is a fine speech he did when he was inducted to the Hall of Fame in 2006.




We'll miss your commentary, John, because I wouldn't want anyone else to tell me that 90% of football is half mental.

When A Bird Invades the Super Bowl.

I'm relaxing from the music discussion for a bit since the music industry itself is having its "relaxing period" through January. Next week, Animal Collective's new record Merriweather Post Pavilion is coming out in stores, and I plan to go in-depth on that. But for now, I shall be fixated on sports, since my favorite sport, uhm...football, is winding down its season.

I have to admit, the way the season has fallen has left me feeling a bit apathetic. None of the four teams seem worthy as a Super Bowl team to me, which has made me cheer the most for the one team who had the least chance of surviving. That team is the Arizona Cardinals, who have magically wandered into a major chance to make their first Super Bowl in history. Mind you, they have to beat the team that sportswriters have already crowned the NFC Champs, the Philadelphia Eagles. But what's the interest of the Eagles here? Most common fans would say Donovan McNabb, but I don't see why I should be so vested in McNabb. I don't know, being benched for a half doesn't seem like it suddenly turns the path of a quarterback around to him being amazing. Plus, it's a poorly built angle based on one mediocre game that led to a surprise hot streak to end the season. I don't get it.

Meanwhile, Arizona's more fascinating to me. They are statistically and logistically the weakest team out of the twelve teams that made the postseason, as even the San Diego Chargers weren't a totally weak team at 8-8. While they have a solid offense, they have roughly one defensive player that I remember by name -- this being Cardinals cornerback Adrian Wilson. They got beat by 40 points by a team not even in the playoffs (the 11-5 New England Patriots) and sucked for a majority of the season, only getting into the playoffs by virtue of being in the worst division in a major pro sports conference in the NFC West. So by all definitions, they should not be here at all and should get shellacked by the Eagles on Sunday.

Well, let's hope to god they don't. And here's why.

The Cardinals have the real comeback story of the year in Kurt Warner at quarterback. Kurt Warner is currently 37 years old. After becoming an NFL MVP twice, he got cast aside. He was considered too old to be a genuine starter, and was only hired in Arizona in the first place as a lead-in to big deal youngster Matt Leinart. It's weird how things work, because Warner has been the man who has almost exclusively taken the snaps over his run in Arizona, and it's his solid performance that has gotten Arizona to this point. And considering that quarterbacks in their late-30s are becoming more known for torpedoing their franchises, (*cough* the man who wears #4 for the Jets *cough*) Warner's all the more impressive. And he's not even doing anything that radically different than his quarterbacking style from the past few seasons, his team just happens to win slightly more than 50% of their games now, rather than slightly less than 50%.

I have no comment on the AFC title game, because I frankly don't care. Joe Flacco is a horrible name for a quarterback, and he seems like a pedestrian who does okay at quarterback and does his job while putting up mediocre pedestrian numbers. Did I say pedestrian enough? Pedestrian. Anyways, I don't really want to see him quarterbacking a Super Bowl, and I don't want to see the 2005 Joe Flacco -- or Big Ben or whatever -- do it, either. I guess I hate young kids at quarterback. Those ungrateful kids, thinking they can start with great defenses and ride by on that success. Why in my day, we had Troy Aikman...who did the same thing, but he was interesting. I just don't see why them kids would cheer that Flacco kid. Them Cowboys in the Super Bowl was so much simpler...

The One About Number 15.

Okay, let's get this out of the way. Tim Tebow won a national title. I can't stand Tebow as a person and I don't like the Florida Gators. Let's make this perfectly clear before I piss anyone off.

Now, I see a lot of response saying that the media loves Tim Tebow to death, especially FOX. Let's also remember that FOX televised the BCS title game. Ratings for the games of the Bowl Championship Series have encountered a steep drop this season, likely when people realized that one of them is actually the only one that matters to anyone other than university presidents and people way too fixated with win-loss records. Also, the "fifth" BCS bowl was between Cincinnati and Virginia Tech, one of them (the one not named Cincinnati) going into the game with an 8-4 record.

So, they needed somebody. And again, even though I don't like him, pushing Tebow as the star of the title game was exactly what was necessary for FOX. The hardcore fan probably hates this, but Fox doesn't want to draw in hardcore fans. Drawing in just the hardcore fans always never quite works. So you have to create a hype machine around him, which I find hilarious that people always allow themselves to get mad at rather than realize its intent. This is the same hype machine that made Vampire Weekend successful on the heels of an album with three good songs and made Juno a $150 million grossing movie in 2007 despite it being nowhere near the country's best movie. And Tebow's hype is exactly the element that will make this game huge in the ratings. (And since last year's "exciting" LSU title win drew 14.4 percent of households, this has to be a raise.)

Tebow is cocky, showy, and completely unnecessarily arrogant. (I.E. he was running on plays when the game was in the bag with two minutes to go.) But that's why he's a media darling. He knows the game of football is by nature, entertainment. So he'll go out and make his most ridiculous show of theater on a national stage. Is he as good as Bronko Nagurski? He's not even the best quarterback in the NCAA right now, but he's the most media friendly. He tells his team and himself to shape up after a loss to Ole Miss, even when in hindsight, almost all of their opponents from that point on were mostly mediocre. But this is seen as an act like something you'd see in a movie. Thus, it's entertainment. The hype is not meant to be taken seriously at all, because honestly, Mark May can't tell me anything about college football that I can't figure out with an ESPN Gameplan package.

Sometimes, you have to look at college football with a realization of what it is. If you put too much emotion into any one thing, you almost ignore its point entirely. College football is, for lack of a better term, entertainment. And though the story is unscripted and the scenarios are played out by unscripted actions. College football always has a story and always goes by a media process that is supposed to set up later developments. (I.E. Tebow's famed hooplah when recruited three years ago set the stage for his hype and then over hype tonight.) Because otherwise, we would be watching two teams pushing a ball 100 yards with no care of what goes on, and well, people wouldn't know who a Brett Favre even is. I wouldn't have cared about the Dallas Cowboys in the mid-90s (which their fame inherently was caused by their rags-to-riches success from crap team to amazing team, and their inevitable hype led me to figure out who they were when I was around six).

So yes, Fox is simply doing their job (which is to sell the game to the viewer by showing a "legendary player" do his job), and when hasn't ESPN piled on the hyperbole? These are the same guys that still think that a team losing one regular season football game (or a baseball or basketball game, for that matter) totally matters in the scope of a full season. Sure, a team can struggle, but if they get into the playoffs (like the "struggling" Indianapolis Colts this season), what's the problem? Because they're selling things as important to their viewer, or else they have no audience. It is the same reason that good but overrated movies and music get praised like crazy in the media. Because if they didn't, they'd be out of a job.

What I Learned From Saturday Night.

So, it's late December. Late December means watching mediocre college football teams battling it out for who truly deserves a bowl of poinsettias, or a bowl representing the website of a pizza joint. I mean, sure, there's Christmas, but everyone knows about that. There is a pure adoration for Christmas already. Everyone loves Christmas, even if they don't love Christ or Santa or any other figure that impedes into this ritualistic gift-giving time of year.

That said, the best thing I possibly did this weekend, other than watching a few movies I wanted to see, was to immerse myself into the positive effects that professional wrestling can have on soldiers. And how simplistic men (and women) in tights doing fake fighting make a good impact on the armed forces of America.

Yes, I watched WWE's Tribute to the Troops in lieu of the hardcore war between South Florida and...that team South Florida beat in football.

Now mind you, I have an odd fascination with WWE's product. I am talking about a company whose last major storyline involved a seven-foot-tall, 300 pound monster whining about what he and a blonde chick with the same first and last name had together as a couple. The answer, of course, is nothing, but over two hours, we were led to essentially who the blonde was having sex with. This is a product that I cannot justify in the fact that it is pure campiness and upright stupidity. This same company has a Playboy model finding feelings for a man that is functionally retarded excluding when a ring bell is rung. This is hardly the nexus of anything thought-provoking on television.

And yet, that loon Vince McMahon does something that no one else probably will. He's made a tradition ever since the war in Iraq broke out to send his group of superstars to Iraq to entertain the soldiers. Even now, when the celebritocracy avoids Iraq like the plague on the basis of the war being unjustified, WWE spends a random time in December actually giving their moral support to the soldiers. It's not a pro-war sentiment, either. It's merely a pro-soldier sentiment.

I didn't even think I could stand a show in which an address by George W. Bush opened the telecast, but the show is impartial. It merely states the situation, and that WWE helps the soldiers' morale. And then there are good guys versus bad guys and the good guys always have to win. It's a feel good special, except replacing the overbearing Christmas sentiment with American sentiment. And it's a time where something ironic and great happens, in that the "fake sport" brings a sentiment that's very much genuine and stunningly respectful. Maybe something even more genuine than a football team fighting for the Meineke Car Care Bowl.

The Amazement of Auburn.

When Auburn fired head coach Tommy Tuberville roughly two weeks ago, everyone thought it was a misguided decision, but in the topsy-turvy world of NCAA coaching, putting out the old and bringing in the new is the new thing. When any coach, especially one helming a Southeastern Conference team, messes up badly, the impulse decision is to change things. But presumably, you have to have a clear plan of what you want to head a team. Right?

Now let me put myself into the perspective of an Auburn athletic director or Bobby Jindal or whatever, which you'll notice in that handy quotes box below.

I have many, many options for a replacement...

Turner Gill's done amazing work in Buffalo and made the team go from a laughing stock of Division 1-A football to a conference champion. And on the way to that conference title, they beat a top 25-ranked undefeated team in the process. He seems perfect for the project of rebuilding the Tigers. But eh, he's probably wanting to be stuck in the Northwest or Northeast or wherever Buffalo is. And clearly the MAC's not a legitimate conference. It's not even a big six conference! So, no to him.

Brian Kelly has made Cincinnati into a Big East powerhouse. He is in a big six conference, even if this conference happens to have the least prestige out of all of them. And his team is playing in a Big Four bowl this year (the Orange Bowl), unlike us. He's also had a long trend of turning teams good or keeping the teams on track. Thus, he's an amazing choice. But he doesn't see a problem at being paid $825,000 a year to live in a cold city in Ohio, which is strange but I guess it take him out of the picture.

Boise State's Chris Peterson's much the same. He loves the blue turf a lot. Oh, and 12-0 records. So he's also out.

And I'm too lazy to wait for a pro coach to get fired, like Rod Marinelli of the Detroit Lions or Romeo Crennel of the Browns, despite the fact that lame duck pro football coaches with a clear head have a great history of winning in college. See: Nick Saban, Pete Carroll.

And I don't want a guy who would be brand new to coaching. So even though a guy with a solid pedigree in coaching (Mississippi State's Sly Croom) just got let go, I don't want him. He clearly can't play in our conference, so why on earth would I need a guy who led a mediocre team to a bowl game last season and only lost to my team by one point this year?

So that leaves only one choice left. We need someone from a big conference, but not a big school. This guy should come from the Big 12 North, not the Big 12 South where that Texas Tech guy Mike Leach is. He'll probably just stay in Lubbock and be third in his conference (with a 7-1 conference record) forever. And I don't think Mack Brown of Texas or Bob Stoops will jump out of their posts. And...I guess there's other teams in the South, but why would I care? I want the North.

Missouri's head signed a mega extension, so he's out, despite his winning record. Uhm...Kansas head coach Mark Mangino looks too much like Andy Reid. This clearly is important to my decision, so he's also out. Nebraska's got a fresh coach with an 8-4 record, but he clearly won't leave for a nice plum SEC job. Plus, Nebraska's got some legacy to it.

So that leaves Colorado's head and Iowa State's head. (Kansas State's coach signed a ridiculous $1.8 million per season deal to continue to be 5-7. They'd kill for an Auburn-esque season.) Colorado finished 5-7 this season, too, but we don't want to be reminded of the past. Now what we need is a defensive genius! But I've got Iowa State left, so I guess I'll hire that guy. Oh! Gene Chizik! The man who coached Auburn's amazing 2004 defense! This was a good choice after all. Wait, what's that? His head coaching record is 5-19? Oh, what does it matter?

So, let's recap. I shunned the mid-major guys, despite the fact that the head coach of this year's SEC champion cut his teeth in mid-major jobs. I shunned any recently fired guys like Sly Croom, despite the fact that a team coached by a guy fired last year by an SEC team was the only team this season to beat the SEC champion. I totally forgot about the pros, despite the fact that pro experience and great defensive strategy from a Romeo Crennel is exactly what Auburn needs. I totally forgot that a horrible team like Kansas State even has a coach that's more winning than the coach from the very specific conference I hired from.

Wow, I should be fired.

Wait, I Have to Hate Cinderella Now?

So in "this just in" news, Alabama has been chosen (as expected) to play in the Sugar Bowl on January 2nd.

And their opponents are the Utah Utes.

Let that sink in for a second.

Now that it has, let me reveal a few things about myself. In my egotistical quest for life to be fair, grass to be green, and the world to be fair and just, my favorite conferences in college football to follow are the mid-majors. I have a cousin who goes to Louisiana-Monroe, who play in the Sunbelt Conference and who we had a little bit of an unfortunate encounter with during Homecoming last season. Now, the Sunbelt statistically is the worst conference of the nation, no doubt. After all, the Idaho Vandals infamously had a streak of horrible football seasons in the Sunbelt and actually upgraded to the Western American Conference (the WAC) a few years back. And sadly, yes, they have the only team from Alabama holding a conference title in 1-A college ball this season. (Troy won the title on the heels of a strong 6-1 conference run and an 8-4 overall record. Plus, they almost beat LSU, which would've been the greatest laugh ever had they held on in the fourth quarter.)

Now in the past few years, the mid-major conferences have finally come out with guns blazing in terms of their athletic ability being competitive versus...well, everyone else. Teams like Utah, Boise State, and East Carolina have started to have a history of being very dominating in their own conference, and then putting up a fight versus their BCS-approved opponents. Boise State has a famous bowl win versus Oklahoma back in 2006, and the last time Utah finished 12-0 back in the 2004-2005 season, they beat their bowl opponent. (Mind you, said opponent was then 8-4 Pittsburgh, who lucked in based on winning a shambled Big East.)

Simply put, they've been exciting to watch. Seeing a team that has been mostly unproven versus bigger competition is extremely fascinating because no one ever truly knows how good the squad is. In fact, because they've barely been under the microscope, no one knows much about the team at all. In reference to the Utes, the only thing I could tell you about them is that their coaches appear to simply head to better shores and win national titles in one of the big six conferences. (As in, Urban Meyer was the coach of the 2004 team...and...and I don't need to tell you any more about him.)

Utah and Boise State have almost become my second teams (i.e. the team you cheer for when your favorite team is not playing). Utah's ability to keep producing great football teams because they have a great team spirit about them is an inspiring story. I couldn't tell you a single athlete currently on the Utes football team, and I doubt a cocky ESPN analyst probably could not do it off of the top of his head, either. However, they play consistent football and build and re-build and have gotten back to peaks under coach Kyle Whittingham that they haven't reached since that one guy who coached before Whittingham's appointment during the 2005-2006 season.

As for Boise, they continue to be consistent and shadowy. They usually have to take a Humanitarian Bowl bid, which kind of works since the Humanitarian Bowl is home to their awesome blue turf. In fact, the turf's more recognizable to me than any player in recent Boise State football history. (Yes, even the one who made the cover of NCAA Football 08.) And yet, under coach Chris Peterson, they're always likely the WAC conference champs, always finish with a near-unbeaten (if not unbeaten) record, and always bring on a high-powered offense. I mean, any team that puts 61 points on Fresno State (who doesn't actually suck) is an awe-inspiring mid-major powerhouse. That said, they played no one major and will settle for a home game for their bowl. Kind of disappointing, but they'll probably put up 60 against the unfortunate soul that dares to play on the blue.

So I'm left with a little disappointment. This isn't sadness by any means. I'm not going to kill myself over having to see the young unknown battle the big powerhouse, with the case being that we're the big bad BCS-approved guys. I'm not hurt by cheering the more established program versus the scrappy young guys. Still, I do have a tinge of regret. Honestly BCS, couldn't you let Texas and Utah scrap it out? I'd pay to see some red jersey hit Colt McCoy a few times.

Roll Tide, and sorry Utes. I'm sure you'll be 12-0 next year and I'll just have to cheer for you then.

Me and Urban Meyer

I'm sure that it's pretty obvious to anyone around the Capstone who hasn't fallen into a vat of acid in the past few weeks that there's this little football game called the SEC Championship game going on this week between our fine Capstone crusaders and the Florida Gators. I'm also sure that the same people who didn't fall in a vat of acid also realize that Florida's really insanely good at football, and at running up scoreboards unnecessarily other than to show that they are insanely good in theory. And then, add to the fact that there's a Heisman Trophy winning quarterback in Tim Tebow and an epic defense like the Tide and it's almost a dream clash.

And of course, everyone will undoubtedly compare the runs of the Tide's stoic leader Nick Saban and the similar journeyman success of Florida's head honcho Urban Meyer. In fact, Meyer is essentially the younger Saban in terms of ability to win. Meyer became famous for turning the Utah Utes into a surprise national powerhouse. Nick Saban turned around the bad fortunes of the Michigan State Spartans and famously upset a #1 Ohio State Buckeyes team in 1998. Both even have a national title to their name.

But Meyer's something a little bit more intriguing and scary. He's brash, a little cocky, and youthful. The guy's not even 45 years old and has a national title on the mantle of Florida, and he's running with an offense that scores a lot of points. So that would make him Bob Stoops, right? Well, Bob Stoops is 48, and even under the context of similar age and national prowess, I say yes and no. Meyer's currently going all out to show that he's impressive. Oklahoma's been so impressive that it's been boring as all mess for the past 5 to 10 years, although they have the tendency to overcompensate for the fact that they suck at the big dance. Florida had one amazing national title year in 2006 followed by an 8-4 dip in 2007 that Gators fans conveniently forgot when that Tebow character became the Heisman winner.

So when Meyer's Florida team happened to stumble upon losing by one point to a surging Ole Miss team that surprisingly didn't suck, he reacted with the smarts of a man who won a national title, but with the anger of a teenage boy whose school crush went to his bitter enemy. He had to go all out to prove his worth, even if it meant jacking up the score so unnecessarily. Cue highlights like the 56-6 domination of South Carolina, and the hilariously silly 70-19 game against the Division 1-AA stalwarts The Citadel. (And yes, Bob Stoops did much the same after being beaten by Texas, but Stoops continues to have the anger of a teenage boy in his system.) One stat that I'm sure the sports media will pick up on relates to the number 50. Alabama has not scored 50 points in one game this season. Florida has reached that mark five times.

But that's where Meyer's angry young man might be the worst approach to the game. Saban's team, even in the midst of near defeat, has stayed calm and collected through all of it. Saban himself might not, if him yelling at punter P.J. Fitzgerald late in the third quarter during the Iron Bowl (when the Tide was up 29-0 no less) was any indication.

But the team themselves never seems to lose focus, as rocky as it gets. John Parker Wilson's become a great team quarterback, which is to say that he makes roughly 50% of his passes and doesn't throw a pick. He's not a Heisman-type guy, but he doesn't need to be. He's a team player and knows when to step into the background. Alabama's filled with players that serve a direct purpose. And while Tim Tebow's become more of a team player this year, he still has the stardom of being Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow. He's still famous for being Florida's stats page to the point that even in games like the epic battle with The Citadel, he had to play, even if there's risk involved like getting injured.

Meyer has to make his team impress that mythological girl called the Bowl Championship Series, the same BCS that knows that Alabama made all the right moves and didn't do with flash, just with enough cool confidence to win. Now sure, like all stereotypical macho cliches, a fight decides who wins the girl and a fight with (probably) Oklahoma in Miami. But will Florida beat Alabama by a minimum of four touchdowns, the famous minimum margin of victory they have had since that Ole Miss loss? No, they're not. I know saying something will not happen often means that the event does happen and it's worse (or better) than you could have ever thought, but Bama's too cool for a four touchdown defeat. They're too cool for Meyer's pure desperation to appease this dame.

And plus, do you really want to see a Florida/Oklahoma title game? If I wanted to see two teams battle it out nervously for a trophy they don't really deserve (See: Texas beating Oklahoma 45-35), I'd go to a bar, perhaps the Houndstooth here in beautiful Tuscaloosa, and I'd wait until the very end of the night to watch the last attractive single girl in the club be approached by two separate guys who both want her, and she doesn't really want either one of them. What I'm saying is that Florida's desperation is a pretty valid way to lose, and that frankly, I don't want to be bored by a title game this year. Nuh-uh, I want a Crimson War.